Welcome To The Harem

A Family Affair by Deslea R. Judd
Summary: "Do come in," Morticia said. "Mind the booby-traps." Alex and Marita looked at one another. Clearly, their neighbours were their kind of people. Weird-ass parody crossover (Addams Family).

A Family Affair:
A Fractured Fairytale
Deslea R. Judd
Copyright 2003

DISCLAIMER: Characters not mine. Interpretation mine.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just keep my name and headers.
SPOILERS/TIMEFRAME: *snork* Riiiiiiiiiight.
CATEGORY/KEYWORDS: Weird-ass humour/parody, Krycek/Marita, crossover (Addams Family).
SUMMARY: "Do come in," Morticia said. "Mind the booby-traps." Alex and Marita looked at one another and shared a moment of understanding. Clearly, their neighbours were their kind of people.
DEDICATION: For Sybil, who asked for it, and Mish - both of whose names are taken in vain.
MORE FIC: http://fiction.deslea.com
FEEDBACK: Love the stuff. deslea@deslea.com.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Marita and a dark, somewhat misunderstood prince named Alex. They fell

in love, but were cruelly parted when she was possessed by a puddle of evil black gunk. Alex was weak of heart and stricken with wounded pride, and he did not help her, and he was punished. During his imprisonment in a distant land, he came to understand his weakness and folly, and repented. Marita pulled herself out of the gunk, as modern princesses do, and they were eventually reconciled.

Well, love prevailed, as it always does in stories of this kind, and they married, and moved into a big dark house in a land of gray. They liked it that way. They had only one set of neighbours, and they, too, seemed to keep to themselves. So Alex and Marita were able to immerse themselves in their love and in caring for their home.

In the fullness of time, Marita gave birth to two beautiful children, and they resigned themselves to the necessity of getting to know their neighbours. They had noted the presence of two rather odd children who played in the vicinity. The girl had long black braids, and the boy was short and squat. For lack of names, Alex and Marita spoke of them as Samantha and Gibson, for they resembled children they once knew. So they did as civilised princes and princesses do, and called their neighbours on the telephone and invited them to come to tea. It was all very agreeable, and their neighbours in fact invited them to their home instead. Alex and Marita graciously agreed, and so it was arranged.

They informed their children of the existence of their prospective playmates. Princess Mish clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, what a lark! We shall have a whale of a time." Prince Redwyne groaned and said that the sooner her Enid Blyton books were supplanted by real live playmates, the better. Alex and Marita were forced to concur.

The great day arrived. The regal family walked up the hill to the bleak and desolate home of their neighbours. "What did you say their name was, Alex?" Marita enquired.

"Addams," he replied. Then, because he was wise in the ways of the world, he continued, "They didn't show up on IRS records. It may be an alias."

"You're armed, I presume."

"Of course, my love." And they stopped and played sucky face until Prince Redwyne and Princess Mish groaned and told them to get a room. Marita informed them that she was not amused. Prince Redwyne, who was momentarily afflicted with contrivance, said that of course she was not a muse, she was his mom.

"Why, good afternoon!" their hostess greeted them. "I'm Morticia, and these are my children, Wednesday and Pugsley. Do come in. Mind the booby-traps." Alex and Marita looked at one another and shared a moment of understanding. Clearly, their neighbours were their kind of people.

The afternoon was very agreeable. The house was elegant, with its black roses and its weapons displays. There was a momentary misunderstanding about the butler, who resembled a bounty hunter they had once known, but the gentleman was most understanding, and even wiped the blood from Alex's weapon before returning it. Alex drank brandy with Morticia's husband, Gomez, and the two retired to the study to throw knives. Prince Redwyne and Princess Mish showed the Addams children how they could bleed green gas, and Marita related the adventure of the black gunk to Morticia. Morticia was most interested.

"Oh, my dear," Morticia said at last, "you do seem to have it all. Your dark prince, such lovely children, memories of torture. Your life seems quite complete."

Marita sighed. "Very nearly. There is only one grief, you know."

"What is that, dear?"

"There are moments - intimate moments, you understand - when I so wish my dark prince still had both his hands." For Alex had mislaid one of his in an Unfortunate Incident some years before.

Morticia thought for a moment. "Do you know, I may be able to help you with that. Oh Lurch," she called, "could you send Thing downstairs?" The butler murmured his assent and disappeared.

"Thing?" Marita enquired. "What is Thing?"

"Oh, Thing is a very treasured part of our family. Gomez found him when we holidayed in Siberia. A strange thing, you know. A disembodied hand, quite smart, all healed over at the wrist. I mean, how often does one find those? The man we bought him from said he was possessed by something called the Black Cancer. Well, that only increased his value. We persuaded him to accept triple the price. Of course, since he was free to begin with, that was quite a good strategy on Gomez's part. Strange man, you know. Seemed quite glad to be rid of him."

"How odd," Marita said. "I should think such a thing would be quite an asset. We sell bio-intelligence, you know."

Morticia looked gratified. "You know, I told Gomez you were our kind of people." She looked up. "Why, Thing! What is it?"

Marita turned towards the doorway. Indeed, there was a hand there. It was white and trembling. She gasped. "Alex?" she whispered. She would know that hand anywhere.

Thing needed no further encouragement. He skampered across the room and bounded into Marita's lap, and latched firmly onto Marita's breast. Marita sighed, but then she came to herself. "Alex!" she chastised. "Not in front of the neighbours." Reluctantly, Thing let go, but twined his fingers with hers.

Morticia was beaming with approval. "My dear, do you mean to tell me- why, how providential!"

Marita grasped her new friend's hand with her free one. "You really don't mind?"

"Oh, my dear, no. We've wanted to find a suitable mate for Thing, you know. He has Fester, but it just isn't the same."

"No," Marita agreed. "And after all, we're neighbours."

Morticia shook her head. "Oh, no, my dear. We're family."

So Thing was reunited with Alex and Marita, and the children found suitable playmates, and they all learned that truly, there is someone in this world for everyone.


AUTHOR'S NOTES: This piece of weird-ass crack was written for the Haven's 'Tell Us a Story' Challenge, where it originally appeared under the title Sweet Misery, for a line that was later edited out. The challenge was to write a fairytale (among other possibilities) including the following elements. I originally wrote a serious piece, The Hubris Of Theodora, but Sybil, who was on a Krycek/Marita kick, asked for another with those two at the center. Coincidentally, I ran across an old, funny discussion of dressing up our characters for a Hallowe'en Ball, and...well...it all went from there.

something or someone getting, being or becoming organized
a muse
a heart