Summary: Diana reflects on her decision. Amor Fati missing scene.

TITLE: The Sadness of the World 1: The Darkness is Leaking (1/1)

AUTHOR: Nynaeve (nynaeve1723@dnafan.com)


RATING: PG (one bad word, and only mildly bad)

SPOILERS: "Amor Fati"

CATEGORY: V

KEYWORDS: Character death, implied MSR

DISCLAIMER: Chris Carter ... yadda yadda yadda...1013...blah blah
blah...Bottom line: not mine

FEEDBACK: always. I keep it all in specific little folders for each
story. Respond to all of it too

DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, anytime, just drop me a line so
I can come visit.

DEDICATION: A & J - do you two ever get tired of having fic dedicated to
you? Good, 'cause I'm not tired of dedicating it to you! A - who hinted
before the ep even aired that she couldn't wait for an "AF" post ep and J -
who I kicked off the net with my phone call to tell her how amazing this was.




The Sadness of the World 1:
The Darkness is Leaking


"...the darkness is leaking from the cracks.
I cannot contain it. I cannot contain my life."
---Sylvia Plath


What did you dream of, Fox, lying on that table? Was it a bright and
shining lie that twinkled through the darkness? I would ask who saved you
from yourself, but I already know. I finally see what gathers her to you,
unbidden, relentless, eternal. All the pieces fit at last, reaching out,
drawing in, filling up the spaces within. It's your puzzle, Fox, yours and
hers. I don't belong.

I helped him bring you there. I helped him steal from you the gift you
have to offer. I damn near helped him steal your soul, just as I long ago
offered up mine. I thought it was the only way.

I traded things I never knew I'd need. I opened up myself and let spill
forth the light of truth, the warmth of love, and the laughter of my soul.
I accounted those things no great loss. I welcomed in the dark flood of
ambition, the cold grip of triumph, and the cackling of a promise better
left unfulfilled. The world is so dark; I thought to become it's equal.
I never thought to illuminate it. You never thought of any other
possibility. How did you know, Fox? How did you know what you'd
need in the years in between, and the rest to come?

And now the darkness is leaking from the cracks. Light trickles in once
again. I turn my face towards it. I drink it in.

She loves you, Fox, in ways I never could. She searches for you inside
her heart. I looked inside my head. And failing to find you there, I
sought you out between silken sheets. But you were never mine. I knew it
even then. Part of what I traded was what you could have made of me, a
woman far better than I am.

She asked me to think of you, as you were when I first knew you. Young
and full of promise, she reminded me, as if I could have forgotten. And as
I watched you lying there, knowing how true her words, I saw not you in
those days, but myself. I recoiled at what I had become.

No one in the room could see it. They were too busy trying to destroy
you. No one noticed the fissures that opened up in me. None paid heed to
the darkness gushing forth, staining the pristine floor of the surgical
theater. I fled the darkness in that room. I fled the darkness within me.

I gave her the key she needed to find you. I repented for all my grievous
sins. I sought again the woman I was, the one I might have been. I found
her. At least I can say that.

I cannot contain my life. The darkness leaks from the cracks, stains the
bed sheets a rusty red. The darkness was in my blood. I willingly watch it
bleed. Still, I wonder, what did you dream about, *Mulder*?


END

There are two more stories in this series, both MSR and Mulder + Scully centric. They are not archived here as they don't fit our brief, but you can see them at Nynaeve's site.