Summary: Good can come from bad. Pusher post-ep. Holly, Mulder, response to the Harem Mulder Love Interest Challenge.

Title: All In Your Mind
Author: Rev. Anna
Category: VA
Rating: G
Spoilers: Pusher
Disclaimer: Holly and Mulder belong to 1013 productions. Vince
Gilligan wrote the dialogue from Pusher
Summary: Good can come from bad.
Author's Note: This is my response to the Mulder Love Interest
challenge at the Harem. Two weeks late but at least within the word
limit.

Title: All In Your Mind
Author: Rev. Anna

"Holly. He's the one. He's the one who mugged you . . . Make him
stop hurting me . . . Holly?"

It was five weeks ago that Robert Modell had invaded Holly's mind.
An invasion much worse than being mugged; more like being raped. He
hadn't taken her money; he had taken her will. He hadn't bruised her
face; he bruised her soul.

She could still hear his seductively polite tones:

"I'd love a print out of this.and a cup of coffee when you get the
chance."

Could still feel comforted by his words:

"I wish I could get my hands on the guy that did that to you. I'd
make him pay."

Could still feel the rush of adrenaline and the heat of her anger as
his words spurred her on:

"Hurt him back."

Could still feel sick as she remembered AD Skinner on the floor:

"I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. I don't know why I."

Every night for a week she relived it all with no hope of help in
sight. At work, she felt like a pariah. Only AD Skinner didn't let
the incident change how he related to her. But everyone else pointed
or whispered or laughed.

Everyone else except Agent Mulder.

He sat at her table in the cafeteria one day quite unexpectedly.

"Having a good look?" he asked, staring pointedly at anyone who
looked at them. Faced down by Mulder, they all went back to their
previous conversations.

"You still hear him, don't you?"

"Yes. Why can't it just go away?"

"Because it's all in your mind. People think when something's all in
your mind, it isn't real. But that's where things are the most real."

"Is that the psychologist in you talking?"

"It's the psychologist in me backing me up."

"How were you able to fight him off?" she asked.

"The bond between me and Scully was stronger than his ability to
control me."

"I wish I had someone to bond with like that."

She cast her eyes down onto her sandwich to keep him from seeing her
tears.

"You do," he answered, lifting her face up by the chin and wiping a
tear from her cheek.

People were staring again, but neither Holly nor Mulder cared.

"Want to go for a walk after work?"

She nodded yes, smiling for the first time that day.

After work they walked. He listened as she talked. Then she
listened as he talked. Then they walked in silence until they found
themselves at the Jefferson Memorial.

Holly's eyes read the first inscription silently and tears began to
fall again.

"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man."

"Will my mind ever be mine again?" she cried.

Mulder took her hand and just let her cry.

"Of course it will. Give it time."

They found a bench where they could be alone. Hand in hand they just
sat, staring quietly toward the tidal basin as the sky took on the
quiet hues of dusk. Then they walked back to Hoover without a word,
feeling even more connected in the silence between them.

They got into his car and, after she told him her address, didn't say
another word until they arrived at her apartment building. Mulder
moved to get out but she stopped him.

"You--you've been so kind, Agent Mulder," she said softly, unable to
look at him. "And I really, really appreciate this, so--so please
don't think me ungrateful but -- wouldn't you rather be doing this
with Agent Scully?"

Mulder smiled and shook his head no.

"I need to feel something that I can't get from Scully."

He smoothed his hands along the steering wheel as he spoke.

"Scully is a good match for me because her trust in me is a leap of
faith. Knowing that she cares, especially when she doesn't believe,
has enabled me to open up to her, to trust her back."

He looked at Holly now.

"But I thought--I wondered what it would be like to bond with someone
with whom I shared a paranormal experience, where the trust comes
because we both believe. Because the experience demands we believe.
I thought--I hoped I might experience that kind of bonding with you."

Holly turned her head and looked into his eyes. There was a longing
in them that resonated within her.

"And have you?" she asked.

"After walking and talking with you --yes. It feels good. I'd like
more."

"I don't know if I have anything left to give."

She leaned back and closed her eyes.

"I've been alone before, even felt lonely," she said, swallowing her
tears. "But I've never felt empty. That bastard took away
everything I am. I want--I want so badly to . . . to . . . "

She felt Mulder's hand on her head, gently smoothing her hair down.
She turned her face toward his and watched him wipe her tears away
with his thumbs.

"To what?" he asked.

"To be in control again," she whispered, tears beginning to fall
again.

"You will be."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I'll help you. Just like you'll help me."

And when the nightmares came, whether for her or for him, the other
was there with a knowing word or a comforting touch, secure in the
bond that had formed between them.

"Will this last?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered. "Even when we our need for it is gone."


End