Summary: Stilling a life. Jimmy, Yves, angst.

Title: Something in the Way
Author: Vicinity
Email: akavicinity@yahoo.com
Category: Vignette/Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Stilling a life.
Spoilers: None, really.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine.



It's cold outside, snowing, and I think I'm the only one out here. Everyone else is inside, warm with their families, and even the guys are working on their computers. Which is normal, actually. It's why I'm out here, too. It's like the ?out of sight, out of mind' thing, because whenever they see me, they ask if I'm alright, but when I'm not around they don't come after me.

I wonder if they miss her, because I think that they liked her more than they let on. They don't talk about her, though, and it's like I'm the only one who remembers her. I don't know if she had any other friends, but we were the only ones at her funeral. I sort of expected something big, for it to be secretive and dangerous, but it wasn't. We just went there and watched them bury her and then we left. I think the priest said a prayer, but I wasn't listening. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what there was left. Maybe it was right, somehow, because maybe there wasn't anything I could say.

I wonder why she stayed with us for so long, why she kept coming back to see us and to help us. She died with us. I watched her fall, and I reached out to catch her because I didn't know what else to do. I cried, and she told me it was alright, and then she didn't say anything else. Frohike told me that I should let her go, but I couldn't. She wouldn't have let me go, no matter what she said.

She fought for so long, and she kept running, until she couldn't anymore. And even then she kept fighting, because she thought she had to. She didn't want to give up, and she didn't want anyone to think that she was weak. Even at the end, she was strong. I want to tell her that, and I want to tell her so many things. Now I'll never be able to.

I wish that I knew why she died. I think that she knew she was going to, and maybe I did, too. We acted like this was a game, and I never really thought about what could happen if we didn't win. It's not right, though. I should have died, not her. She died helping us, maybe died for us, and all along I thought that it would be me, that I was the extra one. I'm not smart like they are, and I'm not good with the work, and I thought I would be the first.

I wish I knew what to do. It's not a game anymore, it's real, and the guys are acting like nothing really happened. I think that I loved her, and now she'll never know. I wonder what would have happened if I could have told her, and I wonder if maybe she knew anyway. She was good at that.

I sigh, melting snowflakes with my breath. I am not crying now, but I wish that I were. I think that I should be, and I want to. I hear crunching behind me, but I don't turn until Byers is next to me. "Come inside, Jimmy," he tells me, and I let him lead me back into the house. It's easier than fighting, and I don't want to fight anymore. I look back as he opens the door. It's snowing harder and my footsteps are almost covered, like there's no trace of me being there. I feel his hand on my arm, and then I go inside and don't look back again.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

END