Welcome To The Harem
Showers, Agents And Videotape by Dennalynn
Summary: Mulder and Skinner see something never meant for their eyes. Implied M/S and Skinner/Kim. PG, humour.
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 13:33:37 -0800
Subject: New: Showers, Agents and Videotape by Deenalynn
Title: Showers, Agents, and Videotape
Author's E-Mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Keywords: M/S UST Sk/O UST
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoilers: Nothing overt but assumes knowledge through season six.
Archive: Yes, please!
Feedback: Yes, please!
Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Chris Carter,
Ten Thirteen Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. I am none of the
This and the rest of my stories may be found at:
Summary: Mulder and Skinner see something never meant for their
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Monday, 8:12 a.m.
"Sir, you wanted to see me?" Fox Mulder entered his superior's
Skinner looked puzzled. "I received a message that you wanted to
see me, Mulder."
"When I got here this morning, there was a note on my door saying
to come to your office immediately." Mulder pulled the note from
his pocket and handed it to his boss.
"I didn't leave this, Muld-" Skinner was interrupted by a knock
on his door. This was what he got for arriving before Kimberly.
"Come in," he barked.
It was a young man from the mail room. "Sir, I was told you
needed to see this right away." He handed Skinner a padded
envelope and left quickly, intimidated by the man's scowl.
Mulder smirked at the big man. "Do you do that to the entire
Skinner just looked at him and opened the envelope. It was a
videotape. The note attached to the tape read: I thought you and
Agent Mulder might find this more than just a bit interesting.
Skinner handed the note to Mulder, who just shrugged and moved to
the VCR. "Why don't we take a look and see what's going on?"
The TV screen flickered to life. The first scene showed a
tastefully decorated living room. The picture tilted wildly as a
woman's voice asked, "Are you sure there's enough battery power
left in this thing? I don't want it to run out."
"Here, I'll double-check if it will help you relax," a man
"Thanks, honey, but then you have to get out of here. They'll
be here soon and believe me, this isn't going to be any place for
a man once they all arrive." The woman's face appeared in front
of the camera.
"That's Angela Ross from Sci Crime," Mulder said as he recognized
"Why would Agent Ross be sending us a videotape?" Skinner asked.
"I don't know, Sir. I do know that Scully went to her bridal
shower on Saturday night." Mulder looked at the time stamp in the
corner of the screen then turned to look at Skinner. "Why would
someone send *us* a tape of a bridal shower?"
"Why don't we finish watching it and see, Mulder?"
The previous Saturday, 9:20 p.m.
It stands to reason that when you get a group of women together,
one of the most frequent topics of conversation is going to be
men. Factor in that all of the women at the shower worked
together in the Hoover Building's testosterone-laden halls, and
the tone of the conversation was pretty predictable.
"Yeah, Nate Moore has a great ass, but there's something a
little icky about his eyes. Have you ever noticed that?" Gloria
Daniels waved her drink in the air to emphasize her opinion.
"It's not just his eyes. He has a creepy smile, too," Angela,
the bride, agreed.
"The biggest problem with Nate is that he's a jerk. No matter
how cute his ass is," Marion Lassiter stated firmly.
The other women nodded their agreement. "Okay, so, if not Nate,
then who?" Angela asked. "And does how big a jerk a guy is really
have any bearing on how nice his ass is?"
"I think it does. Think about it, if a guy is a real jerk, is he
really all that attractive?" Kimberly Cook popped a cheese puff
in her mouth.
"This, from the woman who works for the hottest piece of brass in
the whole FBI." Gloria grinned lasciviously.
"Oh, please." Kim avoided the other woman's eyes.
"Oh, please, my ass. He's gorgeous, Kim. Don't try and tell me
you haven't noticed. You've worked for the man for what, eight
years?" Gloria said, warming to her subject. "I never thought I'd
find a bald guy hot, but all those muscles. Damn!"
Kim snorted into her drink.
Angela pounced on that. "You're gonna tell us that you've never
noticed that chest, those shoulders? Get off it, Kim. How
stupid do you think we are? I bet you could bounce quarters off
"Ooh, I'd pay good money for that opportunity," Cynthia Collins
Gloria laughed. "I bet we could sell tickets and make a fortune.
Come one, come all, for the opportunity of a lifetime. Pay a
dollar and bounce a quarter off the AD's yummy butt." The other
women all collapsed with laughter.
"Come on, you guys, he's my boss," Kim said plaintively.
"Boss shmoss. He's hot, you're close and have a pulse, so give it
up. Tell us about the *real* Walter Skinner." Gloria leaned in,
taking a long drink from the pink concoction in her glass.
Kim looked around the room, hoping to find an ally. All she found
were twelve pairs of curious eyes. She sighed heavily, "I can't.
He is my *boss*."
"Who's going to tell him? I can just hear it now. 'Hey, Sir, a
bunch of us got liquored up and Kim says she thinks you're cute.'
Besides that, he's our boss too. So tell!" Angela said
"Actually, he's a great boss." The other women groaned. "Well,
he is! He always *asks* me to do things, rarely gives orders. He
always thanks me for staying late and coming in early. I get a
great gift for Christmas and for my birthday, flowers and a day
off. He really is great-- nice, considerate." She could see the
others were not pleased with her.
"Okay, Little Mary Sunshine, cut the crap. What is Walter Skinner
really like?" Gloria's tone left no room for argument.
Kim got mad. "Fine. You want to hear about the real Walter
Skinner? He's wonderful. He always remembers the small stuff.
He knows my mother's name and where she lives. He knows how many
siblings I have and what their names are. He *always* remembers
my birthday. He was sweet and caring and supportive when my
father died and even offered to fly out with me for the funeral.
He never *ever* hollers or barks at me the way he does everyone
else. He makes me laugh. He tells a great joke and does a wicked
impression of Jana Cassidy. He likes his coffee very strong and
black. He loves my white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, so
I make them for him and he hoards them like a little kid. He
locks himself in his office for hours after any case involving
children. He takes it personally every time one of his agents
gets hurt. He thinks most of the upper brass he works with are
pompous and loves to think up wild and elaborate excuses
to miss meetings, which he never uses. He *hates* it when people
are phony or play with him. He's smart and funny and good and
honourable. He's sweet and kind and gentle in a way I never
dreamed a man like him could be. Oh, and yes, he's so drop-dead
gorgeous and sexy he makes my toes curl!"
The other women were silent for a moment. Then Gloria said,
"So . . . Kim, has he ever made a move on you?"
"No," Kim answered forlornly.
"Have you ever thought of making a move on him?" Gloria asked.
"He's my boss!"
"So you've mentioned. Wouldn't stop me. He's hot, you're
gorgeous, he's single, you're interested. Why not? What do you
have to lose?" Gloria took another drink.
"Skinner is not going to fire you for making a pass at him.
Please. I bet every woman here would love to be in your shoes."
She looked around the room and saw ten nodding heads. She
addressed the one woman who didn't seem to agree with her. "What,
Dana, you wouldn't like to be 'called on the carpet' by the AD,
given the opportunity?"
Scully just smirked and shook her head.
"Oh, come on, Dana, you gonna try and tell us you don't think the
AD's hot?" Shari Little taunted.
"Actually, when you consider who she works with, maybe she has
better things to do than contemplate her boss's ass--ets." All of
the women burst out laughing at Gloria's comment.
Scully grinned at them, feeling the warmth of the wine she had
been drinking. "I didn't say I don't think Skinner's attractive.
I just avoid being called on the carpet by him. Done it, no fun."
She smiled at Gloria. "As for my partner, well, what about yours?
Brian's no slouch in the looks department."
"I know it. Believe me, and he's a great partner and a talented
agent. But Brian is happily married. Mulder is not." Gloria
snuck a look at the other women. "C'mon, Dana, give. What's the
mysterious and delicious Fox Mulder really like?"
Scully looked around the room. "Shari, why don't you tell us
"Darren? He's okay, not the best partner I've ever had, but
definitely not the worst."
"Who's the worst?" Gloria asked.
"Mike Delano. God, what an idiot!" Shari shivered. "He was a
good agent, but a total pig. Treated me like a secretary." She
held up her hand to Kim. "Nothing against being a secretary-- I'm
sure Skinner couldn't find his own desk without you. But Mike
tended to bark orders and brush me off like a piece of fluff.
Basically, he did all the stuff you said Skinner doesn't. Oh,
except for the fact that he did make moves on me."
"Why not report him?" Angela asked.
"And get a rep as a man-hating troublemaker? No thanks. You all
know how these guys can be. I had nothing concrete other than a
bad attitude. So I put in for a transfer. Told them it was for
family reasons. You've gotta remember this was almost twenty
years ago. Things have gotten better."
"So who was the best?" Scully asked.
"Jack Little." Shari grinned wickedly.
"You married your partner?" Scully laughed. "I had no idea you
and Jack worked together."
"Years ago. When I first got to D.C." She smiled at the group.
"We hit it off immediately. I knew within days I wanted him. A
year later we were married."
Gloria sniffed. "I'm jealous. All my partners until Brian have
been pretty bad. Mostly *experienced* agents who weren't real
thrilled about working with a *girl*."
"How many have you had?" Scully asked curiously.
"Four, including Brian. It can take a while to get the chemistry
right. How many have you had, Dana?"
Scully turned a bit pink. "One."
"Mulder was your first?" Gloria asked, shocked.
Scully nodded. "First time lucky, I guess."
"I'll say. Damn! First partner and you get that. Wow! Now, I
Scully looked surprised. "What's there to be jealous of?"
"Listen, Darren is a good partner. A great partner even, but
Mulder he's just so . . . mysterious."
Scully had to stifle a laugh. "Mysterious?"
"Come on, Dana. *Spooky* Mulder? Hell, half the women in the
Hoover would give their left arm to get close to him," Shari said,
smiling. "And as far as I can tell, the only woman he has *any*
interest in, is his partner."
Scully could feel her face warm. "Shari . . ."
"What? Who else has he spent time with since you two have been
partnered? I know he used to date on occasion, though not as
often as some would have liked." Shari shot a knowing glance at
Gloria, who just blinked at her innocently. "About all I know
about him is that he is gorgeous, sexy and scary smart."
"What else is there to know?" Scully looked at them over the rim
of her wine glass.
"C'mon, Dana. What's he really like? I've heard he has real
old-fashioned manners. Is that true?" Gloria was determined.
This earned a snicker from Kim. Gloria turned on her. "What's so
All of a sudden the women were focussed on Kim again. "Tell,"
"Oh, it's nothing spectacular. It's just that he's always so
polite. Most of the agents treat clerical staff and the executive
assistants like we're a lower form of life. Not Agent Mulder.
Even when he goes barging past me, I think he's nicer and more
polite to me than most agents." Kim saw April Davies, another
EA, nod in agreement.
Scully just shook her head. No wonder he always got his paperwork
pushed through. She realised Gloria was speaking to her again.
"Okay, so we know he's polite. But I've also heard he has a
few . . . problems, playing with the other agents in the sandbox."
Scully set her wine glass down rather forcefully. "You can hardly
blame Mulder for the small minds of others!"
"Whoa, Dana! No one was blaming Mulder for anything. A tad
protective, aren't we?" Gloria smirked. "So, why don't you tell
us how easy he is to work with? Dispel all those nasty rumours,
Scully sighed. "Mulder isn't easy to work with. But not for the
reasons you would normally think. His mind doesn't work like
yours or mine. He's always going in ten directions at once. At
first I found him very hard to keep up with, but now I don't
really even try. He gets there in his way and I get there in
"Is he really *that* smart?" Gloria asked.
Scully nodded. "He's brilliant. And not just in the normal way.
He has the most amazing mind. He can wrap it around almost
anything." She heard a few stifled snickers. "I'm not just
talking about the paranormal. I mean everything. Even people.
Everyone has a chance with Mulder, as long as they don't BS him."
She shrugged. "He's an incredible partner and a very good friend.
He trusts me and has no problem depending on me, or letting me
know he needs me. He has a strength that is just mind-blowing,
and he isn't selfish about sharing it."
"But what's he *really* like? Away from work, out of those sexy
suits?" Shari asked.
"He's, well, he's Mulder. I can honestly say I have never met
anyone like him. There are times when I can just sit and watch
him. When he's *really* focussed on something, and believe me
Mulder can focus, I can watch him for hours. He has great hands,
long, elegant fingers that are never still when he thinks. They
play constantly, doodling, fidgeting and all I can think about is
. . . well, anyhow. He gets this little wrinkle between his eyes
when he thinks and he sucks on that damn lip. Sometimes I just
want to . . ." Scully cleared her throat and took a deep breath,
as did the others. "Anyways. He's smart, as you mentioned, and
funny, in a rather oddball fashion. One minute he can be very
sweet in an affectionate puppy kind of way, all sweet smiles,
gentle touches and sad eyes. The next minute he's deadly serious
and his touch burns. And his eyes . . . God, he can make me
feel like nothing matters but me. It's at those moments I would
give anything to know how that beautiful mind works." Scully
looked around the room and realised that the others were staring
wide-eyed at her. "What?" she asked innocently.
"I knew you two were close, but . . . Wow!" Gloria took a long
drink. "And you're telling us nothing has ever happened between
Scully nodded unhappily. "The timing has always been wrong."
"Oh, bullshit!" Gloria exploded.
"Pardon me?" Scully asked primly.
"*Pardon me*," Gloria mimicked. "*Timing* has dick all to do with
it. *You* are a coward. And from what you've just said, he's
as big a chicken-shit as you are." Gloria grabbed another drink.
"Hell, if I worked with a stunning man who worshipped *me*, I
wouldn't wait for the *timing* to be right."
"Glor' . . ."
"Dana, have you ever listened to yourself when you talk about him?
Seen your face when you're with him? Have you ever looked closely
at his? Damn it, girl, jump him! He'll thank you for it.
Believe me." She grinned evilly. "And then, since it was my
idea, I expect a humble apology and a thank you from you, too."
I'll keep that in mind, Gloria," Scully said smiling and shaking
her head. "Just do us both a favour, don't hold your breath."
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Monday, 8:47 a.m.
Both men were silent as the screen went blank. "I-- well-- um--"
Was the best Mulder could come up with.
"Yeah," was all Skinner said.
They contemplated the blank screen for a moment. "She thinks my
mind is beautiful?" Mulder whispered. "Dana Scully thinks my mind
"Yeah, well, Kim thinks I'm, well . . ." Skinner removed his
glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Drop-dead gorgeous and so sexy you make her toes curl," Mulder
"Shut up, Mulder. I was going to say considerate." Skinner stood
and went to the window.
"Of course you were, Sir. I'm sure all that stuff about being
sweet and funny meant nothing." Mulder grinned as Skinner's
shoulders stiffened. "She was probably just trying to impress the
Skinner turned quickly. He couldn't quite manage to wipe the
stricken look from his face. "Of course, that's it," he said
"You're telling me you're just going to let this go?" Mulder asked
incredulously. "You have a beautiful woman saying she has more
than a slight interest in you, and you're not going to do anything
"What would you have me do, Agent Mulder?"
"Take her out for dinner, ask her for lunch, go see a show. I
don't know, but don't do *nothing*!"
"This from the man who has been in love with his partner for, how
long is it now, Mulder, seven years?" Skinner grinned when Mulder
began to squirm.
"It's not the same thing," Mulder protested.
Skinner snorted. "Of course not. You just listened to the woman
you love tell a whole room full of her friends that she's in love
with you. It most definitely is *not* the same thing."
"So, Sir. You're saying that you have no interest at all in
Kimberly? That she's just your assistant?" Mulder crossed his
arms in front of his chest.
"She *is* my assistant, Mulder. She's very important to me here.
She's very good at what she does and she makes my job a whole lot
"So why don't you let her try to make your life a 'whole lot
Skinner couldn't come up with a good reason. He was still
formulating his comeback when there was a knock on the door.
"Good morning, Sir. I just wanted to let you know I'm here and
that Agent Scully is waiting to see you." Kim was having trouble
meeting Skinner's eyes. She was still feeling a bit embarrassed
after her outburst Saturday night.
Skinner opened his mouth and no sound came out.
"Sir, are you okay?" Kim rushed to his side. "Are you ill?"
Mulder had to turn his back to regain his composure. He never
would have thought the AD could be so easily unsettled. He almost
lost it completely with Kim's next words. "How 'bout I get you a
cup of coffee, Sir? I brought cookies this morning. I know you
have meetings all day and will likely skip lunch. Let me go get
them." She left the room quickly almost running over Scully in
"Sir-- Mulder? What's going on? Where was Kim going in such a
hurry?" Scully asked.
"She was a bit worried about the AD so she went to get him some
coffee and cookies. Think they'll be white chocolate macadamia
nut, Sir?" Mulder teased, not thinking.
"White choco- Oh, God!" Scully's face paled.
Mulder felt his face lose colour. Shit.
"How did you know that Kim brought the AD white chocolate
macadamia nut cookies?"
"Good guess?" Mulder asked hopefully.
Scully shook her head. She could feel the blood rushing back to
her face with a vengeance.
Mulder held up the tape. "Someone sent us a copy of the tape from
Angela Ross's bridal shower."
"Oh." She looked everywhere but at her partner.
Skinner, having recovered the use of language, interrupted their
little talk. "Would you two mind finishing this elsewhere? I
would like to speak to Kimberly alone."
Both agents straightened a bit. "Of course, Sir," Scully said
heading for the door.
"And Mulder--" Skinner stopped him. "Try taking your own advice.
I intend to."
"That's an order, Agent." He actually grinned.
Mulder was speechless for a moment. Then he grinned back. "Yes,
Sir!" And he followed his partner out of the office.
"Sir? Is everything okay?" Kimberly entered the office with a
bag and cup of coffee.
"Yeah, everything's fine, Kim." He smiled at her.
She blushed slightly as she set the bag and cup on his desk.
"Will that be all, Sir?"
"Actually, no." Skinner moved to stand next to her. "What are
your dinner plans for this evening, Kimberly?"
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.