Welcome To The Harem
Karmic Ways by Deslea R. Judd
Summary: Piss-taking Valentine's Day badfic. No controlled substances were involved in the making of this fic, since my sense of humour is unarguably out of control. Krycek/Marita, Mulder/Diana, PG.
Karmic Ways *PG13* 1/1
Deslea R. Judd
DISCLAIMER: Situations not mine. Interpretation mine. Deal.
ARCHIVE: Yes, but why?
SPOILERS/TIMEFRAME: Requiem, I suppose.
CATEGORY: Humour, Krycek/Marita, Mulder/Fowley, Valentine's Day, BADFIC.
RATING: PG13 for language. No sane person of any age should read this.
SUMMARY: Krycek, Marita, Mulder and Diana decide to reward the writer who gave them so much nookie. Chaos ensues.
NOTE: Rachel, mentioned in the fic, is my fellow writer Rachel Anton. Her name is taken in vain, but with utmost respect. This one's for you, Rachel!
MORE FIC: http://fiction.deslea.com
FEEDBACK: Love the stuff. firstname.lastname@example.org
AWARDS/ELIGIBILITY: Spooky 2001 Eligible.
"You know," Alex said, idly stroking her back, "we should do something about our karma."
Marita raised her head sleepily. "Our karma?" she replied cautiously, looking at him as though he'd gone quite mad.
"Well, we've built up quite a lot of the bad variety, you've got to admit."
"Especially in the last hour," she agreed thoughtfully. "I've got to tell you, corsets look much better on me than on you."
He looked down at himself appraisingly. "I'm not so sure. My legs are better than yours," he said at last.
She eyed him critically; asked curiously, "Why is it that men think they make better women than we do?"
"Do you want to hear my plan, or not?"
Marita shrugged. She was only humouring him until she could get the corset back in any case. "Sure, go for it."
Alex said reflectively, "I've been thinking that we should get Diana and Mulder back together. It's Valentine's day, you know."
Marita toyed with a heart-shaped box of strawberry-flavoured condoms. "No shit," she mused. She went on thoughtfully, "There's a problem with that, Alex. They're both dead."
Alex sat up a little, propping his head up with his arm. He said excitedly, "That's what seances are for, my puddle of molten love nectar."
"Oh, man!" she burst out in disgust. "This is the LAST time I let that Judd chick write me as the straight man."
"She's given us more sex than anyone else. Leave her alone."
Marita punched him with a pillow. "She made me adopt four goddamn kids!"
"Well, they're back in the other fic now, so forget about it. Now, what about this seance?"
"At least Rachel lets us get down and dirty," she sniffed, ignoring him. "What does she give us? 'Their hearts were as one.' I mean, WHAT is THAT?"
"Let it go," he counselled. "You'd think this whole thing was to plug the Judd chick's fic."
"You mean it isn't?" Marita said blankly.
"No! It's about the seance."
"Oh," she said wearily. "That again."
MEANWHILE, IN THE GREAT BEYOND...
Mulder opened his eyes. "Yes, darling?"
Diana propped her head up on his chest. "I've been thinking about Alex."
Mulder's eyes opened very wide. He demanded suspiciously, "When?"
Diana looked puzzled; but then her expression cleared. "Oh! Not then, of course. I could never think of anyone else when you fill me with your cup of sex power."
He looked at her with frank concern. "My wha?"
"It's a badfic, honey."
Light dawned. "Oh! I see."
She reached up and kissed his cheek affectionately. "Now, I've been thinking that maybe we should get Alex and Marita together."
"Why?" he queried cautiously, looking at her as though she'd gone quite mad.
Diana sat up and pushed back a curtain of coffee-coloured hair. "Well, that Judd chick got me out of hell and you out of the spaceship, and let us make glorious love together for all eternity in the great beyond. I thought maybe we could give her a little ray of joy. It's Valentine's Day, you know."
An arrow flew through the window. Mulder ducked. "No shit." He got up and stormed over the the window. "Hey, Cupid! Take it down to Scully and Skinner, dammit! We're trying to have sex up here!" He slammed the window shut irritably, and turned back to Diana. "Now, where were we?"
"We were just about to-" she stopped in dismay. "What happened to your cup of sex power?"
He looked down at himself. He said, crestfallen, "It must've runneth over."
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOTEL...
"Lemme get this straight. We summon their spirits into our bodies, and we have sex - only it's them."
Marita nodded slowly. "And this has nothing to do with you wanting to get me naked."
"We're already naked," Alex said mildly.
She said crossly, "No - I'm naked. You're wearing my corset."
He threw back the blankets and stood up. "Fine. I'll take off the corset if it will shut you up about it." He stormed off into the bathroom.
Marita lay back and waited, a faint, Mona Lisa smile playing across her features.
At last, a muffled voice was heard. "I can't get it off."
"No shit," she mused. "You've only got one arm."
He gritted his teeth, coming back into the bedroom. "Shut up and help me out of it."
Laughing, she came and helped him. "Done," she said warmly. "Now, as for this seance - no way. You're nuts." She went to the dresser and began to brush her hair.
He came up behind her and started to kiss her neck. "Aw, come on, Marita. Don't you want to stick it to the shippers?" he cajoled. "They take our beautiful lurve and make it into something tawdry," he murmured, taking her earlobe between his lips and sucking it. She sighed, smiling a little. "They say we're not pure like Mulder and Scully. They say we're dirty." She breathed out shakily. "Sleazy," he went on in a low, breathy voice. "Slutty."
She whirled around and shoved him against the wall. "Shut up and kiss me."
MEANWHILE, IN THE GREAT BEYOND...
"Oh, that's just wrong."
"At least his cup is full," Diana said dryly.
"Cup of sex power," Mulder muttered. "Whoever came up with that ought to be tried for crimes against humanity."
Diana's tone was conciliatory. "It's not all her fault. Her beta reader is quite mad, I believe."
"No shit," he mused.
"Well, are you coming?" she demanded.
"No way," he grumbled. "You're nuts."
She came up to him and slid up and down his body a little. "Aw, come on. Don't you want to stick it to the shippers?" she cajoled. "They called me horrible names. They said I wasn't pure, like Scully. They said I was dirty," she breathed, running her hands down his body. "Sleazy." Then, lowering her head, "Slutty."
He lowered her to the floor. "Shut up and kiss me."
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOTEL...
"So this is what being dead is like," Alex said thoughtfully. "It's not so bad."
Marita looked down at their lovemaking in all its glory. "The Judd chick is right. We are hot."
"We are, aren't we? You know, we have got to try that. You know, without the corset."
She looked at him suggestively. "When do you think they'll give our bodies back?"
Alex shrugged. "As soon as Mulder finds out he can't jerk off. You knew he was left handed, right?" She laughed.
They studied them for a while; but at last, Marita spoke. "What are they doing?" she said curiously, turning her ethereal form to get a better look.
Alex joined her. "I think they're roleplaying."
She nodded slowly. "Hmm - I see." She was quiet for a long moment, her etheral brow creasing (quite a feat in itself). Finally, she said, "I get her - she's Ally McBeal - but who the HELL is he?"
Alex turned to get a better look. "I think he's -" he broke off. "No, it can't be."
He stared in disbelief. "It's not possible." He shook his ethereal head in wonderous dismay. "No-one would do that to get their rocks off."
"Who?" she repeated more insistently.
He turned to her, looking faintly traumatised. "I think he's Frohike."
She looked down with a shudder. "Oh, that's just wrong."
He put an ethereal arm around her shoulder, and they huddled together, drawing comfort from one another. He nodded sagely:
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
This piece of insanity was written for Valentine's Day 2001. No controlled substances were involved, since my sense of humour is unarguably out of control.